if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize