You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
