this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
