Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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