There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
