every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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