It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
