the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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