we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
