dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
