I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
