In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
