i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
