Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
