New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
