Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
