you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize