did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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