i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
