I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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