fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
