Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
