Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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