There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
