Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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