Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
