fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
