Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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