Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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