How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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