your parents love me but you hate me
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
