it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs