I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
