Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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