chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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