So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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