I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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