I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
