John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail