I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
