I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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