We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
