You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
