She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
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