if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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