Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
