So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize