This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
