I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
