every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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