Best friends brother. Beat that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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