You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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