Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
