I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
