life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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