I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My bed smells like the plague
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
